Keep the Faith, even in the toughest times

Woke up again way before the alarm clock. Nauseous because I really didn't eat anything at all yesterday.  Not much of an appetite and when I do feel like I could or should eat, I just want to throw it up.  The mere thought of food makes me want to be sick.  Is it the current combo on the meds?  Most likely.  So I called my "new" psychiatrist to schedule my first appointment.  He's been out of work for two weeks after emergency surgery.  And I need help NOW!  My meds aren't helping me to stay awake (and I have game duty tonight, so here's a 12 hour day coming). I'm Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  That makes it scary for me even be in the classroom each day.

I absolutely dread going to school anymore.  I wake up dreading it.  Dread it through many of my classes.  Am ready to get out of there as soon as the bell rings.  And do work at home? No motivation whatsoever to do it.

I finally submitted my resume for the position at NewSpring.  I didn't realize until last night that it had been open since October.  It's working with Next Steps (which is where I've been serving mostly) at the Central office.  Only if that door is opened by the Lord.  Otherwise, I'm still looking and sending resumes.  Many of the jobs I'm looking at right now are work from home jobs.  I'd like to think that I could manage my "mental trio" a little better that way.  Again, just waiting on the Lord to open the door.  Part of me hopes that it's right away.  Part of me wants to finish out the school year.  I don't want to stay for me.  If I stayed, it would be for the kids and my health and general well-being mean more than that.

And then there's the gnat that won't go away.  Time he was docked in Florida on Sunday, he texted me and said he wanted to talk.  I wasn't too keen on it.  I told him before he left for the cruise never to call or text me again.  Sunday afternoon, he asks me to call him at 6:30.  I never called him.  Had no intentions of dialing his number. If he wanted to talk to me so bad, he can call me.  Well, he never called.  I did text him the next morning to inform him that I wasn't going to call him and that's why he didn't receive any calls from me the night before.  He said his cousin came over and he was busy anyway.  Texted me yesterday afternoon while I napped.  Ignored it.  Finally answered him just as Bible study started online.  It went way longer than I thought.  Then I had to call Mom to find out she's gotten engaged....again.  By the time I texted him back to talk, he was ready for bed. Whatever.

My faith is strong right now, but that's about it.  I know that the Lord is going to help me THROUGH this and not deliver me from it.  But right this second, all I want to do is hug the toilet and then crawl back into bed for the day.

A New Day...but I can't wake up

Having depression, anxiety and idiopathic hypersomnia is a horrible combination, as are the medications that are usually prescribed for these three, as they all seem to counteract the other's purpose.  I have my okay days and I have my really lousy days, at least until we get the right combination of meds going for me.

Been reading the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris.  Only a few chapters in and I'm finding that the book is not about being forever single and celibate, but about not playing the dating game.  Be friends with those of the opposite sex until the Lord lets you know who you're supposed to be with.  Then go straight ,into what we call, into a committed relationship that leads to marriage.  I'm totally with him on the whole dating things.  It was fun in my teens and twenties, but painful too.  As I've gotten older, the feeling have often gotten deeper and so has the hurt.

I also woke up to an unexpected text this morning from someone who hurt me.  My response was to make it perfectly clear why this, in particular, hurt so badly.  It was an unhealthy relationship from the start and the Lord told me on many occasions to end things with him, but I didn't.  Yeah, I'll admit it.  I chose him over God.  And the result...a major heartache for me, one that could've been avoided if I'd just listen to God.

Update:  Now he wants to talk on the phone.  I am but a fragile China doll right now.  The slightest bump in the road can be like making a mole hill into a mountain. Lesson plans for one of my two classes still to write and I can't concentrate to save my life fight now.

My First Post

So I'm sitting here, thinking about what my first should say.  I've been thinking of doing a blog for some time now.  If I'm the only person to read this, so be it. Reflection and writing have healing powers for me.  It's at this point in my life where I find myself starting over, beginning again.  I put behind me all of the mistakes of my past, doubts about my present, and worries for the future for they are futile attempts in the eyes of God.  I am to find joy in the present and hope for my future.  I begin my journey one step at a time.  I have two areas in my life that need "mending" or healing.  My health depends on my stress level, and my current occupation compromises my mental health.  So, I pray that the Lord will open the right doors for me and lead me to position.  And then there's my unfortunate "love life".  No more games, no more doing things my way for they have failed and left me broken hearted.  I pray for healing and to use the lessons learned along to not repeat the same mistakes.  My focus is on my first true love, my Lord.  When I'm well with him, as well as my future mates, the Lord with bring us together.  I long for that "helpmate".  Adam couldn't do his work alone and neither can I.  My prayer is to become what God has planned for me, which is so much better than I could ever imagine.  Here's to hope.