Keep the Faith, even in the toughest times

Woke up again way before the alarm clock. Nauseous because I really didn't eat anything at all yesterday.  Not much of an appetite and when I do feel like I could or should eat, I just want to throw it up.  The mere thought of food makes me want to be sick.  Is it the current combo on the meds?  Most likely.  So I called my "new" psychiatrist to schedule my first appointment.  He's been out of work for two weeks after emergency surgery.  And I need help NOW!  My meds aren't helping me to stay awake (and I have game duty tonight, so here's a 12 hour day coming). I'm Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  That makes it scary for me even be in the classroom each day.

I absolutely dread going to school anymore.  I wake up dreading it.  Dread it through many of my classes.  Am ready to get out of there as soon as the bell rings.  And do work at home? No motivation whatsoever to do it.

I finally submitted my resume for the position at NewSpring.  I didn't realize until last night that it had been open since October.  It's working with Next Steps (which is where I've been serving mostly) at the Central office.  Only if that door is opened by the Lord.  Otherwise, I'm still looking and sending resumes.  Many of the jobs I'm looking at right now are work from home jobs.  I'd like to think that I could manage my "mental trio" a little better that way.  Again, just waiting on the Lord to open the door.  Part of me hopes that it's right away.  Part of me wants to finish out the school year.  I don't want to stay for me.  If I stayed, it would be for the kids and my health and general well-being mean more than that.

And then there's the gnat that won't go away.  Time he was docked in Florida on Sunday, he texted me and said he wanted to talk.  I wasn't too keen on it.  I told him before he left for the cruise never to call or text me again.  Sunday afternoon, he asks me to call him at 6:30.  I never called him.  Had no intentions of dialing his number. If he wanted to talk to me so bad, he can call me.  Well, he never called.  I did text him the next morning to inform him that I wasn't going to call him and that's why he didn't receive any calls from me the night before.  He said his cousin came over and he was busy anyway.  Texted me yesterday afternoon while I napped.  Ignored it.  Finally answered him just as Bible study started online.  It went way longer than I thought.  Then I had to call Mom to find out she's gotten engaged....again.  By the time I texted him back to talk, he was ready for bed. Whatever.

My faith is strong right now, but that's about it.  I know that the Lord is going to help me THROUGH this and not deliver me from it.  But right this second, all I want to do is hug the toilet and then crawl back into bed for the day.