Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Going natural didn't work...

and getting back on the prescriptions has been like starting all over, excepts we've added Topomax into the mix since the Adderall gives me migraines.  I've taken 20 mgs of Adderall and am as sleepy as I can be.  I cancelled my road trip this week because I don't think it's safe for me to drive right now.  I've got to look into Long Term Disability through the state because I'm having no luck finding a job.  Even if I had one, I can't do one.  I talked to Sydney Dew's husband who got me hooked up with this travel thing.  Sounded great when I was all high on my meds but I haven't been able to get out of bed since I signed with him to make any sales calls or visits. I didn't even feel like going into the office to help this week.  Even when I was at church on Sunday I felt loopy.  I'm glad Mom came up to help with the kids because I wasn't right all weekend either.  Started getting sleepy then.  Came home from church and slept 8 straight hours then went to bed.  Been like that all week.  Had to go to the post office yesterday and about wrecked so driving is questionable at this point.  I'm so scared.  I don't know what's wrong with me and/or these meds. I've not been this suicidal ever.  I even opened up to Jeremy about it last night. I usually don't talk to anyone about it.  I just felt so hopeless. Still do.

Been trying to think about my (dismal) future. Thinking of moving out of my house when the lease is up and moving into a camper.  Either putting it on a piece of land or in an RV lot.  Gotta find the money to do so.  Julie and I are also trying to talk Mom into coming up here.  If she stays with me, that will help.  I'm a mess and I don't think anyone really realizes it because I'm here at this house all by myself all of the time.  That's scary. That if something were to happen to me, how long would it take for someone to find me.

So I go back to selling my life away, my former career.  I'm making some cash with selling these books and it's time consuming right now. I just wonder what will happen when all of the book are entered in, and all of the clothes on Poshmark and all of the craft supplies on Etsy.  Will I have a job by then?  Will Mom be here and be able to help me with my bills by then?I know I should trust in God but it's just so hard. I've never been this weak or helpless or lost before and it's killing me on the inside.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Au Natural

Today's been rough.  I feel like I'm starting back where I was at the end of January.  I thought seriously about going back on my rx this afternoon.  I've been more mad and sad and not thinking clearly than I have in quite a while.  Decided to up the dose and took some of the mood "meds" this afternoon after looking up the recommended dosage and saw that I could do that.  It's also harder because I'm doing this without medical assistance.  I'm doing research online and "winging it" for the most part. It's a good thing I'm keeping a journal and have all of the records for all of this so that I'll know what's working. I'm also getting a little bummed that I'm not hearing more from the jobs I've applied to. That isn't helping at all. It's almost 6 pm, and I've only been up for about 6 hours today. But feel like going to bed now, not because I'm tired but because I don't want to be awake anymore. Tomorrow, I'm going to take a higher dosage and see if continuing to do that will help.  I was on some pretty powerful rxs, so it may take a lot of this alternative stuff to equal out to that.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Day 2 of no RX--All Natural and so far so good.  I didn't take a nap at all on Day 1 but am a little sleepy right now.  I'm a little on the depressed side, but part of me thinks it's because of what's going on.  Maybe I should increase some of the "mood" meds, even temporarily.  We just had Week1 of the Sex sermon series and it has me reflecting a lot about what's going on with me and Jeremy.  I had "recreational" sex with Ken last week.  It was good and fun but that's it.  He's so easy to talk to, though, and has a sympathetic ear, a little more so than Jeremy.  But then again, Jeremy has talked to me more in the last couple of weeks about himself than he has in the whole time I've known him.  I even told him so last night.  He seemed surprised that I thought that, but it's true.  What does that mean about where we are now?  Are we "dating" right now...I mean something more than just being friends? We talk, either by text or phone, everyday.  He calls me more now than he has in the past.  Right now seems more like a relationship than it has in the past. I'm so confused and so scared to talk to him about it.  And to top it off, I'm getting all sorts of thoughts and feelings that this whole this is just wrong (from God).  Yes, that's why I'm depressed and upset.  I'm comfortable with him, but that doesn't mean that it's a good thing.  I can't remember ever being in such a difficult position.