and getting back on the prescriptions has been like starting all over, excepts we've added Topomax into the mix since the Adderall gives me migraines. I've taken 20 mgs of Adderall and am as sleepy as I can be. I cancelled my road trip this week because I don't think it's safe for me to drive right now. I've got to look into Long Term Disability through the state because I'm having no luck finding a job. Even if I had one, I can't do one. I talked to Sydney Dew's husband who got me hooked up with this travel thing. Sounded great when I was all high on my meds but I haven't been able to get out of bed since I signed with him to make any sales calls or visits. I didn't even feel like going into the office to help this week. Even when I was at church on Sunday I felt loopy. I'm glad Mom came up to help with the kids because I wasn't right all weekend either. Started getting sleepy then. Came home from church and slept 8 straight hours then went to bed. Been like that all week. Had to go to the post office yesterday and about wrecked so driving is questionable at this point. I'm so scared. I don't know what's wrong with me and/or these meds. I've not been this suicidal ever. I even opened up to Jeremy about it last night. I usually don't talk to anyone about it. I just felt so hopeless. Still do.
Been trying to think about my (dismal) future. Thinking of moving out of my house when the lease is up and moving into a camper. Either putting it on a piece of land or in an RV lot. Gotta find the money to do so. Julie and I are also trying to talk Mom into coming up here. If she stays with me, that will help. I'm a mess and I don't think anyone really realizes it because I'm here at this house all by myself all of the time. That's scary. That if something were to happen to me, how long would it take for someone to find me.
So I go back to selling my life away, my former career. I'm making some cash with selling these books and it's time consuming right now. I just wonder what will happen when all of the book are entered in, and all of the clothes on Poshmark and all of the craft supplies on Etsy. Will I have a job by then? Will Mom be here and be able to help me with my bills by then?I know I should trust in God but it's just so hard. I've never been this weak or helpless or lost before and it's killing me on the inside.
No comments:
Post a Comment