Ups and Downs

This week has had its ups and downs and I'm baffled at why it's been this way.  Last Sunday was exceptional.  I really felt like I'd made a breakthrough on the road to healing.  I ended up going to stay with my sister for a few days.  Eli was sick and the weather was forecasted to turn nasty by the afternoon.  I took Eli to the doctor on Monday morning and returned to Julie's to see what the weather would do.  I ended up staying until Thursday.  With each day, I grew more tired and less like I was making any improvement.  I slept all day on Wednesday at Julie's and all day Thursday here at home.  Then I wake up today, like I lightswitch had been turned on.  I'm up and motivated, ready to tackle a long list of things that didn't get done while I was at my sister's.

I guess I didn't realize how much the kids take out of me.  Both kids demanded my full attention when I was there.  Eli wouldn't go to his mom or dad, and Kenzie wouldn't do anything unless I was there to help her along.  What scares me the most is that I'm beginning to realize that with or without meds, I may never get to be a mom of my own.  It's something that's been lingering on my mind for some time now.  It's more with the complications of my sleep disorder, but by the time you combine that with my proclivity for spells of depression and anxiety, it's probably for the best.

The weather also delayed my appointment with the psychiatrist this week.  It seems like so much is riding on getting in to see them and to get my meds straightened out.  I just wish that my mind was clear enough to think and to be able to  discern  what God wants my next steps to be.  Maybe I just need to get some work done, accomplish a few things on my to do list.  Otherwise, I'm not sure of how I'm supposed to "heal"from depression and anxiety.  Med management takes time. What do I do in the meantime, particularly for income?  What do I do about my current job? I pray for answers that only God can give me. Meanwhile, I praise Him for what He's blessed me with...a supportive family that loves and cares for me, a roof over my head, and a desire to do His will and not my own. And I will continue to do what I can for His church.  It's the only thing I know for sure that I should be doing. And so I patiently wait for the Lord to unveil His plan for me.