Reality setting in

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On May 5, 2015 6:48 PM, "Jennifer Parnell" <missparneezy@gmail.com> wrote:

So I met with the PA at the psychiatrists office. We had a long talk about the Topomax and how it made me feel so he switched me to Imitrex, which I take when I get a migraine. That was fine. It went downhill when we started talked about how much more depressed and anxious I'd been and how much more tired I was. I'd have to increase the dosages on everything to even see if there would be a difference. We talked about medication vacations where you go off of a med for a time if you've built up a tolerance. Then you might rotate to another drug for a while. From the way he made it sound and from what I've heard in my facebook group, that's how it goes. And as this happens, the symptoms continue to get worse, namely the IH. That's when I asked him about my brain fog, my lack of concentration and focus and how those would affect me on a job. He didn't have an answer for that but was glad to fill out my disability forms for my state policy. I hate to say it, and I haven't completely given up, but I need to start looking for a disability lawyer. Steven in financial coaching knows one. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to pay my bills, where I can find work and if I should stay in my house much longer. My mom and sister have offered for me to stay with them. Mom is in Elgin though and my life is here now. It's crazy with Julie and the kids and their house isn't completely finished yet. Decisions, decisions. Much prayer needed, too. Sorry for this being one long paragraph. 

The thing that gets me the most about what he said (and what the sleep dr has told me) is don't expect to be able to work a 9-5 five days a week without nap (s) at some point during the day and possibly having a day or two to just rest and to be off of the stimulants. When I lived in Florence and wasn't going to church, I took the weekends off. Now, that's some of my busiest days. So as of now, I will need to have a day or two later in the week as my med rest days. And that's what I will need to keep into account in applying for jobs. The thing is that I knew this before any of the doctors suggested it and have taken that into account when looking for a job. That's what's making the job hunt so much more difficult for me

Update May 6:
I've scheduled an appointment to talk with a counselor with Vocational Rehab on June 10. I have also sent an email to request an appointment with a local disability attorney.  I have no idea how long it's going to take for me to hear about the LTD policy from the state or what's going to happen as as I continue to apply for jobs.  Some folks from church have given me suggestions on local part-time jobs.  Driving, of course is an issue so I'm having to consider that in any job I look at.

I did call Aunt Shirley today and left her a message.  It was hard for me to talk to her, as expected.  I gave her an update about everything from my food stamps to vocational rehab to what the doctor said yesterday.  And yes, I asked her for more money.  Not sure when she'll, or if, she'll call me back, considering how upset I was on the phone.

Then there's the matter of my living situation considering this is looking more like a long term issue that's going to need some major life changes, like moving out.  Don't where I'm going live until I get all of this income stuff straight. Mom and Julie have both offered for me to stay with them.  Mom said today that she had some ideas that she would share this weekend.  Heck, Jeremy even told me he considered me moving in with him, but he doesn't have room at his place and even a little bit of my stuff.  The uncertainty of where I'm going to live and where I'm going to get money from is testing my faith, but I HAVE to trust in God that he will provide. This is a very complicated, difficult test of my faith.  Hopefully, what's on the other side of this will be amazing.

Empty

I can't explain why, but I've just felt empty, yet full of pain in my heart, very lonely.  No matter what or how much of my drugs that I take, all I want to do is sleep.  I have no motivation to do anything.  I'm taking my meds to sleep as early as 8 pm the last couple of nights.  I've napped several hours during the day and just don't feel fully awake and alert when I'm awake.  Coordination is off a little too.  Still upset about not going anywhere this past week or weekend.  Didn't even see Julie and the kids. Only got one text from her yesterday. Texted Tracy to try to get her to go out Friday and she was too tired.  Last night she was sore from hurting her knee doing something. I'm just so incredibly lonely.  I know that if I sleep, the time will pass until I am supposed to do something or go somewhere.  I have so much to do here at home but have NO motivation whatsoever to do a thing.  I haven't been this depressed since I first left school.  I'm anxious to see what Joey will say at my next appointment about my meds. I don't know what to take and what not to anymore.

Skeptical

To:  Robin

So here's a new hurdle for us to deal with when next we speak.  I didn't say it and maybe you did or didn't notice it, but I'm a little skeptical about my healing. And here's why.  Simply put, all of the prayers that went up for my cousin's healing, were acknowledged but no miracle of healing came.  I'm still very hurt about losing her.  I even prayed to God that he would take me instead of her, give me the cancer so that she could see her children grow into adults and for her and her husband to live to be old and gray together.  I know that God had a different plan for all of us by taking Doris home to be with him, but I'm also not convinced that a healing miracle is meant for me either.  It may seem silly or illogical, but I think it's been the main cause of why I've been having a hard time trusting God the last few months.  I didn't realize it until I talked with my dad tonight.  He asked me to come to a healing service at his church where supposedly I can be prayed upon and all of my ailments (and strongholds) will disappear in an instant.  I told him that I thought it would take more time and work for that to happen.  Somehow the discussion led to my feelings of hurt and anger towards God for taking Doris home so soon and here we are.  I couldn't put my finger on it today, and again you may or may not have sensed my hesitation on being healed from all that ails me.  I also believe that God can use an illness as part of your testimony, so healing may not come for that reason. Again, why I'm hesitant. But I hope your discernment is working better than mine and all will be healed.  First, I've got to learn to trust God again, completely. I'm not sure what I'm going to have to do to make that happen. I want to but can't completely.  Things to think on and pray on until we meet again.  As always, thanks for listening and working with me.  I'm an owner at NewSpring because of Doris. I hope to be a better owner and take my Next Steps because of you.

Much love and gratitude,

Jennifer

From Robin:

Hi Jennifer!  First of all I am very proud of you for being proactive!  I knew that this was a struggle for you, I was just waiting on you to reach the point of recognition.  Now we can continue to move forward.

I am not saying that God will heal you, only that he can.  You just need to realize that he kept you here for a reason.  Instead of stressing over your cousin's death, and her not being healed, or even being angry and broken about that, do something to honor her.  Like be there for her  children.  Do something to honor her name.  Volunteer and help raise money for cancer research, or something that will help you feel you are making a difference.  

You need to understand that God does not cause things like cancer.  We live in sin,  a world of germs and a chemical ridden world.  Things like viruses, germs, chemicals, etc., that causes illnesses and diseases.  I too became angry at God when Kiresten was diagnosed with Diabetes, and for three years fought to keep her out of hospitals, preventing seizures, coma's, dehydration, just so she wouldn't die from those complications.  It is very hard to watch a 5,6,7,or 8 year old struggle to stay awake, vomit from High blood sugars and space out from lows, all while crying tears of frustration at the disease, begging me not give her another shot.  It is very hard to go through these kinds of things and not get upset with God.  The great thing is......He understands!  He has grace and loves us through that.  He knows you are hurting and that you are angry.  The great part is, he wants to be the Dad that is here for you when your earthly Dad can't or want.  He is there to hold you, comfort you, heal your heart and help you move forward.  He may not heal you 100% of your sickness and he might heal you 100%.  If he doesn't, He will at least give you clear direction, comfort, and heal many of your symptoms. He will help you pull down your Strongholds.  If you do not seek Him at all on any of this He does not have the opportunity to show you or heal you.  Just give him a chance, reach out to him.  Seek him with all your heart and mind.  

 I do believe you have a sleep disorder, but I also believe that the enemy has you convinced you can't be well and have a functioning life.  You can and will get to a place where you can drive long distance, hold a job, and be happy.  

Seek God for healing of your emotions, the ability to stay awake, a job, direction on where to live, and peace.  I am going to send you some scriptures to stand on, and some things to start changing your out look.  I love you!  i am praying for you and I know that you can do this!!!! 

Thank you!

Robin Smith

Going natural didn't work...

and getting back on the prescriptions has been like starting all over, excepts we've added Topomax into the mix since the Adderall gives me migraines.  I've taken 20 mgs of Adderall and am as sleepy as I can be.  I cancelled my road trip this week because I don't think it's safe for me to drive right now.  I've got to look into Long Term Disability through the state because I'm having no luck finding a job.  Even if I had one, I can't do one.  I talked to Sydney Dew's husband who got me hooked up with this travel thing.  Sounded great when I was all high on my meds but I haven't been able to get out of bed since I signed with him to make any sales calls or visits. I didn't even feel like going into the office to help this week.  Even when I was at church on Sunday I felt loopy.  I'm glad Mom came up to help with the kids because I wasn't right all weekend either.  Started getting sleepy then.  Came home from church and slept 8 straight hours then went to bed.  Been like that all week.  Had to go to the post office yesterday and about wrecked so driving is questionable at this point.  I'm so scared.  I don't know what's wrong with me and/or these meds. I've not been this suicidal ever.  I even opened up to Jeremy about it last night. I usually don't talk to anyone about it.  I just felt so hopeless. Still do.

Been trying to think about my (dismal) future. Thinking of moving out of my house when the lease is up and moving into a camper.  Either putting it on a piece of land or in an RV lot.  Gotta find the money to do so.  Julie and I are also trying to talk Mom into coming up here.  If she stays with me, that will help.  I'm a mess and I don't think anyone really realizes it because I'm here at this house all by myself all of the time.  That's scary. That if something were to happen to me, how long would it take for someone to find me.

So I go back to selling my life away, my former career.  I'm making some cash with selling these books and it's time consuming right now. I just wonder what will happen when all of the book are entered in, and all of the clothes on Poshmark and all of the craft supplies on Etsy.  Will I have a job by then?  Will Mom be here and be able to help me with my bills by then?I know I should trust in God but it's just so hard. I've never been this weak or helpless or lost before and it's killing me on the inside.

Au Natural

Today's been rough.  I feel like I'm starting back where I was at the end of January.  I thought seriously about going back on my rx this afternoon.  I've been more mad and sad and not thinking clearly than I have in quite a while.  Decided to up the dose and took some of the mood "meds" this afternoon after looking up the recommended dosage and saw that I could do that.  It's also harder because I'm doing this without medical assistance.  I'm doing research online and "winging it" for the most part. It's a good thing I'm keeping a journal and have all of the records for all of this so that I'll know what's working. I'm also getting a little bummed that I'm not hearing more from the jobs I've applied to. That isn't helping at all. It's almost 6 pm, and I've only been up for about 6 hours today. But feel like going to bed now, not because I'm tired but because I don't want to be awake anymore. Tomorrow, I'm going to take a higher dosage and see if continuing to do that will help.  I was on some pretty powerful rxs, so it may take a lot of this alternative stuff to equal out to that.

Day 2 of no RX--All Natural and so far so good.  I didn't take a nap at all on Day 1 but am a little sleepy right now.  I'm a little on the depressed side, but part of me thinks it's because of what's going on.  Maybe I should increase some of the "mood" meds, even temporarily.  We just had Week1 of the Sex sermon series and it has me reflecting a lot about what's going on with me and Jeremy.  I had "recreational" sex with Ken last week.  It was good and fun but that's it.  He's so easy to talk to, though, and has a sympathetic ear, a little more so than Jeremy.  But then again, Jeremy has talked to me more in the last couple of weeks about himself than he has in the whole time I've known him.  I even told him so last night.  He seemed surprised that I thought that, but it's true.  What does that mean about where we are now?  Are we "dating" right now...I mean something more than just being friends? We talk, either by text or phone, everyday.  He calls me more now than he has in the past.  Right now seems more like a relationship than it has in the past. I'm so confused and so scared to talk to him about it.  And to top it off, I'm getting all sorts of thoughts and feelings that this whole this is just wrong (from God).  Yes, that's why I'm depressed and upset.  I'm comfortable with him, but that doesn't mean that it's a good thing.  I can't remember ever being in such a difficult position.

Uncertainty

I got an email and a letter from the school district today that almost had me in a full blown panic attack.  Luckily, I was home alone and was able to shrug it off before it got too bad.  At about the same time, I'm texting with my mom and she's asking about my finances, which doesn't help.  How am I supposed to be making these big, life altering decisions when I can't think straight?  That in and of itself makes me unnerved.  My FLMA leave runs out and I'm supposed to return to work on March 16.  I need to let school that I am not going to be returning.  I'm also supposed to be getting my last full paycheck on March 15 for all of the paid time I've worked until I went on leave in January.  I have no idea how much money that will be.  So I've got to work in my disability paperwork and see what that's going to pay and for how long.  Then, I guess I need to look at my long-term disability options. I've never had to do anything like this before and don't really know who to talk to about all of this.  I wish I knew someone that could help me figure it all out.  So in the meantime, I want to bury my head in the sand and sleep until...whatever.  I just hate to even think about it.  And to try to make a phone call or decision about any of this just makes my head spin.

My thoughts are still finding their way to include Jeremy, too.  Why can I not let him go and forget about him?  I know he's no good for me and yet, I still wonder what he's up to, etc.  Ugh!  Just one more thing that's wrong with me, in addition to insomnia, as it is 1:30 am and I'm awake.  I've slept most of the day, like I have since I started this new medicine. Whatever!  I'll take something to help me sleep and will do it all over again tomorrow.  Yay!