When I look back at the person I was a year ago today and remember what she was thinking and feeling, I'm sure so indication of how much would happen in the next 12 months was nowhere on her radar. In less that two months, she lost a dear friend to suicide. She'd start having trouble with her sleep meds. That, combined with the emotions of losing a friend and being in a rocky relationship, would lead me down a road of emotional turmoil and to where I am now.
Last summer was a blur. Trying to teach with two virtual schools AND keeping the kids proved to be too much for me to handle. Julie's new house was still under construction and way behind, so there was no hope that I'd be able to move into the L Street house before school started. I house hunt all summer and find the most charming place. It's still close to my sister but a little closer to work. The rent is in the top of my price range with my current income, but I was optimistic. As the summer progressed, Doris's cancer got worse. All of us, but most of all her, knew she would be fine. The family came up for a football kicking camp for Evan and I got to spend the day with all of them. It was the last time I would see Doris outside of the hospital before she died. She looked good, like she didn't have a single cancer cell in her body. She was so proud of Evan and we all spent a lot of time that day talking about where Evan might go to college and play football.
School starts in August and it's crazy as always. This year, though, I'm department chair. It's only a few extra responsibilities (or so I thought) and would be a piece of cake to handle. It might have been had I been at school rather than missing four weeks of school. Doris takes a turn for the worst at the end of September, and I continue my downward spiral at an exponential rate. Julie, Mom and I go on a Sunday in mid September to see Doris in the hospital. She was having one of her good days. None of us knew that it would be her last good day. I sat close to Doris all day, massaged her legs when she asked, talked to her as much as I could. All the while, she's looking at getting out of the hospital and beating this thing. She never even made any funeral arrangements or discussed with Eric what she wanted because she was determined to beat this cancer and "not leave her kids". Doris passed away in the early morning hours of Sept. 30 with Eric at her bedside.
I got the text and call from Anna a few hours later, told school I would be out through Friday, packed my bags and headed to Florence. I lived with Doris and Eric for a year and a half while I finished college. Those were Bailey's first 18 months. I lived in the area for another four and a half years and remained close to them, as well as Doris's immediate family that lived nearby. They sort of adopted me and I came to look at Doris like she was the big sister I never had. Even after moving to Atlanta and Greenville in the years that followed, I was at the Rabons' on Christmas morning every year after Bailey was born. My first Christmas away from them was the year Kenzie was born. The Rabons took me on family vacations with them. Two that I remember well was a great trip to LA and a very memorable trip to Mexico. So yes, Doris's passing hit me hard.
While all of this was going on, I was dealing with Jeremy. We met on New Year's Eve. We ended up renting a cabin in Gatlinburg that weekend. Things couldn't have been better...until he told me that he'd just broken up with his last girlfriend right before the holidays and may still have feelings for her. I gave him the space he asked for to sort out those feelings. We stayed in contact and he finally decided she wasn't the woman he wanted to be with. But they still ended up on a cruise together in April, the very week that Chris died, because they had booked it while they were "sorting out their feelings for each other". He came home and asked me to come over as soon as he arrived back at his house. He had an awful time with her, or so he says, but I never really heard about her any more. But he still wasn't sure about dating me either because we rushed into things so fast. He suggested we be friend and see what happens. Well while that was going on, I managed to reconnect with a guy I had a huge crush on in high school. Come to find out he had one on me too. We dated but things with his ex were not settled, and he had a house, a child and a business in Camden. That didn't last long. Jeremy dated other people too, but we found ourselves in this crazy friends with benefits relationship. But things evolved and we grew closer. We even discussed going on a cruise together after the first of the year. Jeremy was to go to Denmark for a week and would be leaving on Oct. 10 and that week between the funeral and him leaving for Denmark was different. We made a turn that week and saw each other almost every night before he left. The night before he left, we went out and had a "good time". I knew what I felt, but didn't want to say "I love you" when we were both intoxicated. I did manage to say that I more-than-liked him and surprisingly, he reciprocated. I kissed him at the airport and told him that I couldn't wait for him to get back. That week, he'd given me a key to his house, and said that I could spend some time with his cats while I was gone if I wanted. Yeah, I thought we'd made a turn in a good direction...finally.
Then Oct. 14 came along. After teaching a full day at school, my right foot started to go numb and feel tingly during my planning period. I decide to go ask the nurse about it and couldn't make it all the way by myself. A former student of mine came along and helped me the rest of the way because my right leg just wasn't responding and allowing me to walk as normal. I end up at the ER and before the night is over, it was in both legs. I was admitted, stayed til Friday and had every test they could think of done while I was there to try to figure out what was going on. They ruled out the big stuff like MS, but I was discharged without a diagnosis or prognosis. While I was at the hospital, I texted Jeremy to let him know what was going on. It scared him to death! I could tell it in the tone of his texts. To lighten my spirits, I shopped for dresses to wear on the cruise that he and I were still planning on taking in January. I was unsure about my health but was determined to make it on the cruise with him.
He called me the night I got home from the hospital and asked me a lot of questions but sounded optimistic about everything. I finally opened up to him and told him how scared I was, but he reassured me that things would work out. We texted over the weekend and I hoped to see him as soon as he got home. He came home late on Sunday night and didn't have to be back to work until Tuesday. I just knew that he would come over on Monday before he went back to work, but he didn't. He didn't come Tuesday after work. He didn't come that weekend when he was off either. What happened to the Jeremy I kissed at the airport before he got on that plane to Denmark? He found out that I had some serious, unknown medical condition and it scared him bad. Did he ever tell me that. No. He left me to wonder and to come up with my own conclusions.
I concluded that he'd changed his mind about "us" because of my health status, and that I was not going to sit around and wait around. Then one day while I'm out on leave, I get a message on Match.com from this guy that seems nice enough. We start talking and eventually start hanging out. Finally a good Christian guy that doesn't mind coming to my house, although he is divorced and has three kids. And that was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to baggage. Fast forward to one Sunday in January, out of nowhere he sends me a message saying that we aren't a good match and that he's reconnected with someone from his past. Not 20 minutes later, his status on Facebook changes to "In a relationship with". Are you kidding me?
I ended up with a second hospital stay the first week of December, this time to a mental health facility. Coming back to work after being out for a month and in a wheelchair was a lot to take in. And I didn't take it in well at all. An anxiety attack got me out of the classroom for the day. I made a decision to make a detour on my way out and visit one of my friends in the guidance department. She and Chuck gave me the courage to make the arrangements to check myself into the hospital. I went home, packed my bag, and headed to the hospital on my own. I told my mom and sister where I was going. I wrote down a few numbers from my cellphone, since I knew I couldn't have it in the facility. I purposely left both "guys" off of my phone list. I didn't want to deal with their drama while I was trying to get better.
The week I spent there had its ups and downs. Conversion disorder was finally mentioned as a possible diagnosis for my legs. I did see a physical therapist and by the time I left the hospital, I was walking without my walker. One of the three books I brought with me was my Bible. I felt that if I didn't take anything else with me, I needed to have that with me. I could "catch up" on my reading while I was there. Well, a lot more than that happened. I finally decided to let Jesus take control of what was ailing me. I felt compelled to share Him with all of those patients that I'd spent that week with. I even organized a Bible study for us on Sunday. Almost half of the patients on the unit came. I'd been preparing for several days on what to say and read a lot of verses. I wanted to take the "Paster P" approach and not condemn the folks in the unit for substance abuse, but to tell them about God's love and how His mercy will take away all of their sin and help them to overcome their addictions. I left the hospital on two good legs and with a spirit filled heart. Praise the Lord!
By the end of my Christmas break, I'd been out of school for another 4 weeks, but my family started to notice a change in me. They saw me beginning to heal and to get back to my "old sassy" self. All of that disappeared when I went back to work. I'd finally told Jeremy how hurt I was, not just for abandoning me when I was sick, but for stringing me along all year. I was alone and drowning in stuff at school. I'd been thinking about it and praying about it and it all became very clear. On my third and final time away from school, I would not go back to teaching. The Lord had made that perfectly clear. He also "unlocked" the door, so to speak, by my principal having a conversation with me about letting me out of my contract with no penalty.
I've been home for two weeks and have never been more depressed in my life. The combination of my sleep disorder, anxiety and depression and the medicines to treat each do not mix well. Finding a doctor to help me find the right combination of meds has been challenging to say the least. My mind is foggy and my thoughts are cloudy. I don't trust myself with making decisions right now. I have been looking for another job and have sent a few applications. I don't know where God is going to lead me and if it's His plan for me to have a job lined up before my FMLA expires. I'm trusting Him to provide me with the help I need when it is needed. Boy that is tough. Being obedient is even tougher.
If I've learned nothing else in this last year, I've learned that I MUST trust in God. Doris tried to tell me over and over before she died. "Don't let it take something like cancer to bring you close to Him." Yes, I'm in a valley, a storm, a test. But I'm confident that I won't be in this valley forever, that God is with me THROUGH this storm, and that this test will become part of my testimony. He is only asking two things of me: to trust Him and to obey Him. I struggle with both of these daily. Perry taught us about this very topic in last night's Bible study. I'm just as hard-headed as Peter and the disciples when it comes to being obedient. But eventually, they submitted to God's will and I'm ready to do the same.
I'm also ready for healing, but know that not all of my emotional healing is going to come from medicine or even therapy. In order to overcome depression, I have to learn to find joy in my life. In order to overcome anxiety, I need to give my cares to the Lord and not worry about a single thing. My sleep disorder...well that one is tricky. My hope is that the Lord will give me a job that is better suited to help me with overcoming the sleepiness. God can also provide treatments to help me should a cure from this disease not be part of His plan. He said that He wouldn't give us a burden that we couldn't bear, so I'm trusting that He will show me a way to manage my sleepiness.
If I could go back to this day in 2014, part of me would love to rewrite it all and make all of the bad times go away. But part of me knows that this past year has been a result of the consequences of my sin as well as part of a storm that I have to lean on Him to get through. I'd rather lean on Him and get stronger. I have faith that the pain and emptiness that I feel right now will go away, that God will provide a new job for me, and that God will give me the help-mate that He's intended for me to have when God said that I was ready. I'm just a work in progress.
